A New Path

You make your friends, then your friends make you.

I have attended a number of self-improvement seminars over the years, and at some point the speaker will introduce the following exercise. He will tell us to list the names of our five closest friends. Then, alongside each name, write their annual income. Add those numbers together and divide by five. The answer should be very close to what we earn per year. But this exercise applies to more than just numbers. If a couple of our friends go to the local health club, there is a good possibility that we will also. If they frequent bars and night clubs, we will do the same.

But one of the greatest influencers we have is our parents.

Here is another side to stories like this, and I lived it. I have two brothers, and our father never encouraged us. Instead, he belittled our efforts and ridiculed our successes. I once scored 98 on a physics final exam, and my father’s response was that it must have been an easy test — probably everyone got A’s. All my mother ever said was not to wear ourselves out, just be grateful for what we have. My brothers and I always struggled. Fortunately, my brothers and I saw the problem and reversed course. Two of our sons are construction project managers, one is a successful business manager, and the fourth earned a PhD and has his own consulting office. That is what support and encouragement can do.

Friends can be supportive too. When I lost my job, a real estate broker offered to bring me on board and teach me the business. When I decided to write my book, a best-selling author and public speaker gave me help, connected me with an editor, and promoted it on his blog. I was fortunate that my years in real estate helped me create a network.

Here comes the hard part: you have to cultivate the friendships you want. I’m still doing it myself — I’m looking for a writers’ group where we can brainstorm ideas and offer support. The local chamber of commerce or business networking groups are filled with people willing to share their knowledge. Not everyone has the friends they need. Some people can be negative and critical. It is necessary to cultivate a group, a network of supportive people.

Sometimes you need to put some distance between you and those who will not support you. That doesn’t mean you need to cut off family members, but you do not have to share your goals and dreams with those who will discourage you.

Sometimes you just need to go out and find the friends you need.

I have had many turning points in my life. When I was in construction, I didn’t expect to go into sales. When I was married, I didn’t expect to get divorced. When I was in sales, I didn’t expect to write a book. But at each turning point, I was supported by friends I could trust — friends who believed in me. And that makes anything possible.

Joseph — whose story is told in the Bible’s book of Genesis — learned the same lesson. The one person who could have spoken for him — Pharaoh’s cupbearer, whose dream Joseph had interpreted — forgot about him for two full years. But when Pharaoh needed a dream interpreted, the cupbearer remembered his name at exactly the right moment. Sometimes your friends don’t show up right away — but one friend remembering you can change everything.

Ask yourself: who are the five people you spend the most time with? Are they making you the person you want to be? If not, what is one small change you could make this week — and who is one person you could reach out to?